Caramel Nutella Martini...

or as I like to call it.... THE SELF SOOTHER!!!!

Hey everyone, Elyse here.
And yes, I know, another martini recipe.

I am unabashedly addicted to Supernatural.

Warning: Complainer Alert!!!!

Anyways, I recently found out that I can't eat gluten or dairy....I know, I know, everyone says that these days. Here's the difference, I've had tests,(And not by witchdoctors or hippies) it is an autoimmune response to certain things that I put into my body that makes me rash up like a carefree hooker. So...after crying over my loss of pasta and cheese, etc...I decided to jump in headlong. And guess what, I feel better, my awful fever that I've had for months has disappeared, and I feel lively for once. Now that I'm done boring you...let's skip to cheat day number 1!!!!!

Today I'm cheating on dairy. Get over it. 

Okay, so this recipe is gluten free, because even though vodka made with grains contains gluten at first, the distillation process removes all of the gluten, since it can't travel with the alcohol when converted to vapor. 

Thus, I bring you......The Caramel Nutella Martini. There are two facts that I know about life...

1. That problems will arise that make you want to sob, hide, or nap.

2. Nutella solves these. 

GATHER YOUR INGREDIENTS!

- Nutella

-Smirnoff Kissed Caramel

- Coconut Milk

- Martini shaker w/ ice

Now kick up your heels, cause this one is easy as hell.

In an ice filled shaker, add 3 shots of caramel vodka. In a separate bowl, mix 2 shots milk ( I like the thickness and creamyness of it, and don't do low fat, cause that shit is gross.) with a heaping spoonful of nutella. Mix well. Now take another spoonful of nutella, hide from those who might judge you, and devour it!!!!!

I REGRET NOTHING!!!

Add the nutella and coconut mixture to the shaker, and shake! Shake, damn you!!!!! Pour into a glass, and enjoy.

 And don't share. Meh. You don't have to. You are all you need to make yourself happy. You...and Nutella.

The long lost child returneth...

WOW! So, after many illnesses and my schoolwork, I have been a horrible blogger. But...NO MORE!!! So I am bringing you a drink recipe to wash down all of your blogless sorrows. ( and probably a few of mine.)

Mamrie Hart, everybody

Anyways, it should come as news to most of you that I am making a girly drink. GASP! Well, sometimes I have been known to drink something other than dark beer and brown liquors.

Here, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you 

My artist husband dolled this one up

As you may be able to tell, this one captures how I feel about missing my blog.

Anyways, this one is really simple to make. 

What it takes:

-A martini shaker. could you just use two cups that fit nicely inside of each other? sure. be fancy. 

-Smirnoff cranberry vodka...(smirnoff isn't my fave, but they saved me the trouble of infusing the vodka.)

-orange juice, the cheaper the better (that's what he said) 

-a mandarin orange, if you're feeling fancy

Please ignore the other bottles in the background. It takes a village to make a drink...that's how it goes...right??

First: Fill that shaker almost all of the way up with ice. Don't be a weenie.

Second: Add...

                  2 parts orange juice to 1 part cran-vodka

Third: Shake it like you've never shaken before. I'll let you in on a little secret...a proper martini has a layer of ice crystals on top of the liquid in the glass. This means it's cold, and oh..so...smooooth. 

Pour in a glass, and garnish with whatever you feel like. I used a mandarin orange peel. 

Now you've done it! Now, sip, smile, and wave. Because if you poured this into a juice glass, no one will ever know. Well, except after you're sloppy. Then they might know. C'mon, kids, it's lunch time!!!!

Java Sugar Scrub

HEY!
Yeah, it's getting there. That," OMG school is killing me, when is break?!"
Or, "these kids are driving me crazy, I don't know how many more school projects I can glue together before I pull my hair out!"





 



So whats a thrifty chick to do?
Take a damn minute and pamper yourself!

Good God no not that.

I mean treat yourself. Even if it's just a bubble bath with some music and a strong drink, you DESERVE IT!
So here's a little something to make just for you (also makes a great gift!)
Java Sugar Scrub:
1/2 cup coffee grounds (Folgers will do you guys, don't use your ten dollar a bag starbucks for this)
1/2 cup of regular old white sugar (you can use raw if you like, just don't use brown sugar, too lumpy)
baby oil
a pinch of cinnamon if you would like

In a bowl, combine your sugar and coffee (just to reiterate, this is right from the bag, don't use already brewed coffee grounds!)
then add a pinch of cinnamon, if you would like.

Then stir well.

Once you have your dry ingredients mixed, add baby oil, one tablespoon at a time,and mix well until you get your desired consistency. I ended up adding about 3, and it came out not too oily, but a nice "fluffy" consistency.

Again, I would like to point out that in some recipes I've seen call for coconut oil or olive oil. Olive oil is ok, but I would steer away from using coconut oil in this recipe, as it does not stay liquid, and could clog your drains. Also, the baby oil and the coffee together make quite a lovely smelling combination.

You can put it in a nice little jar, and if you want to gift it, just add a ribbon! Boom! There ya go.
Now go enjoy it!

<3 Rach

SIDE NOTE: after using this, I've noticed a lot of redness leaving my skin! Plus it's great for a groggy morning shower! :)

DIY Shaving Lotion

Yo!
I know winter is coming, and if you are like me, you say to hell with shaving and wear jeans/leggings.
BUUUUUUT, winter dries out my skin something terrible, and I never put on lotion, 'cause I'm fucking lazy.
Also, I'm broke as hell this week, and ran out of shaving cream. And I really don't like using Boyfriend's Barbasol.


So what's a thrifty chick to do?
Cruise Pinterest and make some shit yourself!

I found this pin: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/44402746299194354/
I'm a pretty skeptical chick, (ahem, cynical), so I was like, shampoo and conditioner with baby oil and lotion. Nope. I call bullshit.
but ya know what? It's pretty fantastic.

What you will need:
1 cup of your choice of shampoo
1 cup of conditioner
5 Tablespoons of lotion
5 Tablespoons of baby oil
A big bowl
and something to put it in when done. (I used an old water bottle. Don't judge me).

First, pour a cup of shampoo, and a cup of conditioner in the bowl.

 Then add your baby oil, and lotion.

Baby oil, made from fresh babies.

 Mix Mix Mix! Then, let it chill out on the counter for about an hour. Then place it in a container for your shower and it's ready to use!

Shave Soup

Mine came out a little thin. You can play with the consistency if you would like. I'm sure it also depends on the products you used. I've seen recipes for this using coconut oil instead of baby oil, but coconut oil tends to get hard in cold water, and I don't want to clog my drains. But feel free to experiment! Try different lotions and shampoos and see what you come up with!
I really like this. My skin is very sensitive, and even using this with my old crappy razor worked like a charm!
<3 Rach.

Hey old friends!

Hey Everyone! Rach here!
Been a while huh?
Well, we have both been busy busy busy!
Hopefully now we can really get back in the swing of things and make it happen Captain!





Anywho, I've got some great stuff in store for you guys, and so does Elyse!
So lets get back into with a double post!
So Halloween and other holidays and football season are surely approaching, and you know what that means.
People are going to be coming by your house, drinking and expecting you to feed them.
So here's a "whats in my fridge" Dip.
You will need :

this crap.

Salsa
Sprinkle Cheese
Jalapenos (optional if you're a little bitch)
Cream Cheese
Sour Cream
Some sort of ground meat (i used lean beef)
Chances are you have most of this laying around your house.
Fry up your burger (feel free to add taco seasoning)

That's hot. No, really, that's fucking hot.

Throw that shit in a bowl.

Then add some of your other crap.

Stir said crap.

Serve with some tortilla chips, and there you have it. Good for holidays, football games, just stuffing your face in general, you get the idea. And it was made with stuff that you just have lying around your house!

So, now naturally, you are going to need something to drink!
How about a salted watermelon slushie?
If you are like me you probably have a bunch of leftover watermelon from summer festivities, bbq's and what have you.
So grab your vodka and come with me!
You will need:
A watermelon, seeded and cubed
Vodka of your choice
ice
a lime (or lime juice)
grapefruit juice
some sort of blender,
and some salt to rim the glass is optional, but recommended for sheer tastiness.

First, add vodka to blender

One shot, two shots, who cares? 

Add in watermelon cubes, and a splash of lime and grapefruit juice, and a handful of ice.

Insert blender noise here.
(and yes, my washing machine is in my kitchen. I don't have water hookups all willy nilly through my house, ok?)

Take a glass, and rub the rim with lime, then rim with salt just like a margarita. Except without the tequila because we all know what happened last time you had tequila. (Shame on you).

Yeah, I'm sure this is exactly what my great grandmother was intending her china be used for. 

And you pour that pink slushie deliciousness in that cup and then right down your gullet.
Great for the ladies ignoring the on going game, or, those enjoying it.
Hope you enjoy your yummy dip and slushie, and I'll be seeing you bitches again sometime later this week!
<3 Rach

wait...wtf.....

Oh that's right! I have a blog!

Sorry everyone who might have been looking on here patiently awaiting our next awesome post.
We had to take a break, due to our really really hectic schedules and school. Yep, we have other shit to do that craft and drink sometimes, but we are trying to get it out of the way :) So......we are going to plan our next posts, then put them up. And the good news is....it is almost fall!!!!! Which happens to be my favorite season for the simple fact that it has Halloween in it. And everything horror rocks mah socks. So, stay tuned, and we WILL I repeat WILL deliver. Thanks to all of you who have stuck it out. Those that didn't can go fuck themselves.
Kindly,
Elyse

Make a Better Teapot, and Don't Murder Everyone

Hey guys, it's Elyse. I'm going to start this one out by saying that this craft is intended to fill those hours when you are steaming angry, and ready to punch someone.

good god, best gif i have seen in a while

Why? Because it involves painting. Painting anything, doesn't matter what, or how, to me is therapeutic. So this craft is all about taking someone (sorry, SOMETHING) you hate, painting it, then sticking it in the oven to have it come out pretty and new.

When I first moved in with the man that is now my husband, he had an awful teapot that his previous wife (cough, bitch) had left with him. I'm sure after you see this picture, you will understand why. But for this craft, any old ceramic object from the thrift store with a god-awful print will work to soothe your soul. 

Fucking blue leaves...this has disturbed me for 3 years.

The list of things you will need for this craft is small...

1. Any ceramic object you really would love to throw out of your moving car, but are too frugal to do anything like that. 

2. Enamel Paint. This can be found at your local Walmart. (That's right...the store everyone hates to love.)

3. Paint brushes. Don't be stupid. You will not finger paint this. 

4. Oven. If you aren't incarcerated, or in some work camp, you probably have one. 

I chose teal, because I wanted Rachel to be jealous. And I painted the lid red, because there is something almost orgasmically satisfying about bright contrasting colors. 

Step 1.... PAINT!!!! It really is that easy folks, now you will have to do at least 2 coats, because if there is a print at all, or sometimes if there isn't, there will always be brush strokes through that shit. Enamel paint is no perfect substance. 

Ugliness will prevail, even through thick-ass paint. 

Stand your ground, give it some time, and do as many layers as you need. Also, for a smoother look, you will need to make sure there are no clumps, or thick parts, as this paint is like perfect mud-wrestling consistency. (mmmm...sexy)

The red is not so MERICA colored, as it looks in this photo. 

Then, once you are all painted up, stick that shit in a cold oven. Yep, cold. Then, preheat to whatever your bottle of paint says, and leave in for the time instructed. Let them cool in the oven, then you are golden!

This stuff is the best, you can put your painted lovelies in the dishwasher, or hand wash them, use it however you want. IMPORTANT!!!! This paint is not meant for surfaces that touch food or drink, as it may flake or something. IDK, that's what it says on the bottle, but i'm a rebel, because I couldn't leave the inside of the teapot spout unpainted. Hooray for poisoning guests (UN?)intentionally!!!! Now make yourselves a tea wreath from Rachel's post, and you will be two steps shy of being Martha Stewart. (House arrest not included)Hopefully by this point, you have forgotten whoever cut you off in traffic, or spilled your martini. Obviously Martha Stewart didn't paint enough. Although, haven't we all been tempted to be found guilty of insider trading and be on house arrest in our mansion full of crafts? Here it is all done....