Make a Better Teapot, and Don't Murder Everyone

Hey guys, it's Elyse. I'm going to start this one out by saying that this craft is intended to fill those hours when you are steaming angry, and ready to punch someone.

good god, best gif i have seen in a while

Why? Because it involves painting. Painting anything, doesn't matter what, or how, to me is therapeutic. So this craft is all about taking someone (sorry, SOMETHING) you hate, painting it, then sticking it in the oven to have it come out pretty and new.

When I first moved in with the man that is now my husband, he had an awful teapot that his previous wife (cough, bitch) had left with him. I'm sure after you see this picture, you will understand why. But for this craft, any old ceramic object from the thrift store with a god-awful print will work to soothe your soul. 

Fucking blue leaves...this has disturbed me for 3 years.

The list of things you will need for this craft is small...

1. Any ceramic object you really would love to throw out of your moving car, but are too frugal to do anything like that. 

2. Enamel Paint. This can be found at your local Walmart. (That's right...the store everyone hates to love.)

3. Paint brushes. Don't be stupid. You will not finger paint this. 

4. Oven. If you aren't incarcerated, or in some work camp, you probably have one. 

I chose teal, because I wanted Rachel to be jealous. And I painted the lid red, because there is something almost orgasmically satisfying about bright contrasting colors. 

Step 1.... PAINT!!!! It really is that easy folks, now you will have to do at least 2 coats, because if there is a print at all, or sometimes if there isn't, there will always be brush strokes through that shit. Enamel paint is no perfect substance. 

Ugliness will prevail, even through thick-ass paint. 

Stand your ground, give it some time, and do as many layers as you need. Also, for a smoother look, you will need to make sure there are no clumps, or thick parts, as this paint is like perfect mud-wrestling consistency. (mmmm...sexy)

The red is not so MERICA colored, as it looks in this photo. 

Then, once you are all painted up, stick that shit in a cold oven. Yep, cold. Then, preheat to whatever your bottle of paint says, and leave in for the time instructed. Let them cool in the oven, then you are golden!

This stuff is the best, you can put your painted lovelies in the dishwasher, or hand wash them, use it however you want. IMPORTANT!!!! This paint is not meant for surfaces that touch food or drink, as it may flake or something. IDK, that's what it says on the bottle, but i'm a rebel, because I couldn't leave the inside of the teapot spout unpainted. Hooray for poisoning guests (UN?)intentionally!!!! Now make yourselves a tea wreath from Rachel's post, and you will be two steps shy of being Martha Stewart. (House arrest not included)Hopefully by this point, you have forgotten whoever cut you off in traffic, or spilled your martini. Obviously Martha Stewart didn't paint enough. Although, haven't we all been tempted to be found guilty of insider trading and be on house arrest in our mansion full of crafts? Here it is all done....