No Bullshit DIY Baby Food Confessional

Dear readers,
Elyse here, and I have a confession for you. I am a lazy mom. Yep, there I said it, I am so lazy when it comes to my baby boy, who is almost a year old, and a whole mess of work. If it means that his toys are on the floor in his room after he plays with them, instead of some Better Homes and Gardens bullshit. He is always naked in my house, because he is a mess trap. For about 6 months now, I have been buying jars of baby food, at 60 cents a pop, and feeding them to my poop factory. Bad mom, Elyse, bad mom. I recently ran out of jars of carrots, GASP! and they are his favorite. Nothing in this world pleases my son like carrots. He lights up like it's Christmas, (actually, more than Christmas, because the made up holiday has no affect on him yet.) So, Ladies and gents, grab your own poop factory, plop them down in a highchair, and get to crackin on your own DIY baby food. (I promise this is easier than the tutorials that involve ice trays, portioning, and all sorts of bullshit that people without nannies don't have time for.

Here is Liam, who I sometimes  call Little Chef, and he is busy judging me and eating Cheerios.

So, to do this, you will need a food. I know, I know, it sounds ridiculously stupid. But when you are standing in your produce section, wondering wtf you should turn into baby food, you will thank me for suggesting these:

-Carrots

-Split peas

-Apples

-Berries

-basically, anything your child is willing to eat, that you can boil and blend.

I chose carrots for this, because as I said earlier, my child would eat carrots until he turned orange, and then would keep eating them. Because babies don't care if they're orange. 

I peeled them first, because the skin makes carrots taste weird, and Little Snob would not approve. 

Chop your food into boil-able sized chunks. This will vary with each thing, so put on your thinking cap, and then take it right back off, because this project doesn't even require that. 

Yep, not rocket surgery.

Now, boil the ever-living shit out of them! Boil until whatever you are preparing are soft as a baby's butt, which is really way too vile to even go near. 

Drain with a colander, and add to your blender, with how ever much water it takes to reach your desired consistency. Add slowly as you blend, so you don't overdo the water. 

Now, take that lovely mush, and divide it into empty baby food jars, and tell Gerber to go suck it! It takes me about 20 mins, including the boiling to do this, and it is worth the minimal effort. Stand proud, lazy Moms everywhere, because when you tell people that you make your own baby food, they will marvel at how damn earth-conscious, and handy you are!

Stick that shit in the freezer, and bring down a couple every couple of days to the fridge to thaw. Or, if you don't think that far ahead (I never do,) you can stick them in the microwave without the lid, and thaw them. Voila! So, the message here is, lazy moms, you still make a difference, raise lovely children, and can still wipe the floor with Betty Crocker's ass.